Boundaries Aftermath ...Now What?
You've done the work.
After a lifetime of people-pleasing, putting other people needs before your own and becoming less of yourself as a result of it, you’ve finally articulated what you need from other people.
It might have been saying no to someone overloading with you with more tasks in the workplace. It may have been declining a party invite from a party-hard acquaintance. It might have been a conversation about what you won’t put up going forward with from your partner. It might have been firmly holding your ground when someone wants to borrow money from you. It might be stopping coffee dates with a friend that made one too many little digs at you. Whatever it may be, you’ve erected that healthy boundary, it’s firmly in place and you’re determined to stick to it.
But now you feel rotten.
You were looking forward to a massive emotional release or even better, an abundance of freedom and a chance to be just you - but now you’re sitting in an emotional soup of guilt and regret for saying anything. The people you placed boundaries with might be shocked, disappointed, rejected, hurt or sad and it feels like it’s all your fault. The guilt is so heavy that you’re tempted to backtrack so everyone can just be at peace again.
But that’s the thing, if you do that, you’ll be the one that’s not at peace. And that’s where you started.
So, what do we do when we’ve finally built up the courage to say, “I’m important”, “I count” and “this is what I need to be my best self” AND keep our boundaries firmly in place:
STOP FEELING RESPONSIBLE: Remember that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. It’s up to other people to be self-aware of their own feelings, process them and regulate them. It’s also not your fault in how people cognitively interpret your boundaries. If they are not comfortable with your boundary, it’s up to them to work on getting a better understanding of why you’ve placed them.
SELF TALK: When you feel guilt creeping in, notice it and start telling yourself statements like: “It’s OK to set boundaries” or “Well done on being assertive even when it made you uncomfortable” or “It doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong if I feel guilty” or” It’s normal to feel strange when we are doing things differently”. This will help you observe your emotions, get an understanding as to why you feel like that and help you self-soothe.